Juan on Juan

Strange day when the three-point shootout becomes more enthralling than the dunk contest.

Makes me wonder about the mystique of slam-dunking in this age of Internet highlights and stolen sex tapes. The Tomahawk, the 360, the Windmill—they come in spades now. All of us are a wifi away from every dunk contest since Naismith started slamming peaches. Shit, two clicks and I can watch Adam dunk on Eve with God calling the play-by-play.

To rescue All-Star Saturday night, we needn’t add Kobe, Vince, and LeBron to the dunk menu. If we did, we’d only see Kobe, Vince, and LeBron do the same dunks we’ve watched before—the same dunks we store on laptops and send to friends. The shootout enthralled, I think, because it's not the stuff of youtube and Internet video. Nobody hits jump shots in cyberspace.

“But what about Dwight’s sticker, Tragic, wasn’t that sick”? For half a second, maybe, but then just juvenile. He decaled the glass, so what? I guess that’s what happens when jocks jump from junior-high to the NBA. They still expect star charts and scratch-‘n-sniff to matter.



Then, there was the scoring. TNT tried to arrange an Academy of dunk judges: Dr. J, Jordan, Dominique, Vince, and Kobe—a group of guys with doctorates in dunking. But, a funny thing happened on the way to the Thomas & Mack Center. The rim-rocking collective morphed into Paul Abdul, Simon Cowell, and the other guy. Everyone remembered that the science of dunk-judging is fallible and supremely stupid. It’s no different from fans voting in the starters or picking out the next American idol.

I hated all of the props. Dwight’s decal, the cardboard cutout of Nate Robinson, Gerald Green’s table—this wasn’t a dunk contest but a high-school talent show. I expected Tyrus Thomas to juggle chainsaws, swallow fire, or do card tricks. Someone teach these guys the difference between gimmicks and creativity.

Maybe if Green ditched the Dee Brown jersey and dunked in Jordan’s coat, I’d be moved. Seriously, has any article of clothing so evoked cash like Jordan’s jacket? The leather looked dyed in Saudi oil and sprinkled with Angolan diamonds. I swear there were poker chips and stock options spilling from his sleeves.

The most exciting thing about Saturday night was the Bavetta-Barkley race. So, make that the model for All Star Saturday competitions: a tournament of one-on-one games between the game’s best. Match Kobe and Wade, LeBron and ‘Melo, Marion and Dirk. Let Brand bang with Boozer and Paul guard Parker. You could break it down into positions or just let the wheat rise to the top. No judges or referees need apply.

Game to eleven, ones and twos.