More Bynum

Following in the great tradition of our favorite comedic actor, Phil Jackson displays some of his own method skills.

Kobe Suspended?

Latest news from the Association finds Kobe Bryant suspended for one game, the result of an elbow to Manu Ginobili’s face at the end of Sunday’s contest. You can watch the play here. (Isn’t youtube God’s greatest gift to sports fans with office jobs?) Bryant believes the elbow was unintentional and expressed disbelief about the league’s decision to suspend him. “I'm blown away by it,” rapped number 24, “it makes no sense.”

From my impartial corner of Lakerdom, I’d have to rule in favor of Mr. Bryant. If anything, Kobe barely grazed Ginobili’s face on the play; more than likely, we witnessed yet another instance of the Manu flop, a blatant charade by one of the league’s wimpiest performance artists. As diehard Lakers fan Jack Nicholson told me over cocktails last night, “Somebody needs to teach that rat-face South American how to take a punch. I’d like to rip his balls off and feed them to the poor. I’d say the same thing about Tony Parker and that squirrel he calls his girlfriend too.”

When asked about the suspension, former coach and current announcer Hubie Brown said, “What you have in a Manu Ginobili is an actor best known for his role as Balki Bartokomous on Perfect Strangers. He’s managed to integrate the acting in his role as a Spur, but he struggles to define himself as anything other than a dork. In a word, he sucks.”

Doing my best to bring you the news. More to follow as it comes in—stay tuned.

Your Antonia

So, we lost—beaten and blocked by an Argentine nose. A serious punch for a serious nose. Whatever, with Lamar coming back, I expected a few bumps before the triangle goes nuts in March. Plan on a seven game series in June.

In case you needed another reason to hate Antonia Parker, here’s something I scooped off the AP wire, which, I should add, is always left on in my house:

“As Eva Longoria makes her way down the red carpet, people keep stepping on the long train of her dress, prompting a chorus of "Sorry!". Later, she's joined by fiancé Tony Parker, who raced across town to join her after his Spurs beat the Lakers in overtime.”

I guess that means TP wasn’t upset because his team didn’t win in regulation but because the game kept his lady-friend (does plastic have a gender?) waiting. Assume he’s grounded until the wrinkles are ironed out of her dress. Assume he’s struggling to explain “overtime” in English. Assuming he's drinking a Shirley Temple, with two cherries, at the SAG Awards.

Assume he’s not playing in June…at least not playing basketball. Footsie, maybe, but definitely not basketball.

Andrew Bynum: Sunday Delight

With the Lakers set to square off against the Spurs this afternoon, we're sure to hear a lot of talk from ABC's - excuse me, ESPN on ABC's - crew about Kobe's awesome year, Lamar's return, Tim Duncan's pout, er, fundamentals, Tony Parker's twerpy girlfriend, and Manu Ginobili's MPB.

But we here at MRYBA, well, we don't mind casting the spotlight on the little guys - or, when it comes to Andrew Bynum, the big ass dudes who don't get a whole lot of attention.

Bynum: You may remember him from last season when he showed down with Shaq on MLK day and the aged Diesel flipped out. Well this year, Bynum's been great - when he hasn't been terrorizing Sasha Vujacic, getting crushed on by Jordan Farmar, or mocking referees, he's put up solid numbers replacing injured Lakers Chris Mihm, Kwame Brown, and Odom (including an 11 point, 16 board, 7 block outing in Friday's loss to the Bobcats). Much has been made of Bynum's apprenticeship with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and the old stoner's influence certainly seems to be paying dividends.

The Art of the Jam

I've always taken dunking for granted - something to do when my jumper, which is like a lay-up, isn't working. But hearing Vince Carter talk about it in this clip made me appreciate it (and him) a bit more.

"He Makes Me Wanna Play"

Yes, he does. A great little tribute to the living legend, Skip 2 My Lou. Rafer's taken some heat in Houston this year with some people calling for a move to the bench, but Bob Sura will never do this.

No, No: The Squads!

I was worried our teams would look too similar, nay, identical but then it turned out Tragic has no idea what he's talking about. My criteria aren't as hard and fast as his (I, for example, included our namesake and three Suns) but I certainly agree that an All-Star should have played in most of his (or her, in the case of Vince Carter) team’s games (hence no Yao or Carmelo). My squads:

Least

G: Gilbert Arenas
G: Dwyane Wade
F: Caron Butler
F: Lebron James
C: Dwight Howard

Bench: Jason Kidd, Ben Gordon, Joe Johnson, Michael Redd, Vince Carter, Chris Bosh, Jermaine O’Neal.

Left Out: The Detroit Pistons, Luol Deng, Renaldo Balk, er, David Lee (?) (the Knicks – I would say shockingly – are 19-26), and Mo Williams, who may just be the best player on the Bucks.

West

G: Steve Nash
G: Kobe Bryant
F: Dirk Nowitzki
F: Kevin Garnett
C: Carlos Boozer

Bench: Allen Iverson, Tracy McGrady, Josh Howard, Shawn Marion, Elton Brand, Tim Duncan, Amare Stoudemire.

Left Out: ‘Melo, Yao, Mike Miller, Baron Davis (really), Smush Parker.

The Squads

‘Tis the season for picking all-stars. To make my starting lineup, the player must have appeared in at least 40 games. I want no part of players who have spent a significant chunk of the season in business-casual. That means Carmelo Anthony, Michael Redd, Yao, and Lamar Odom don’t make the cut. There’s a case to be made for Antawn Jamison. Problem is, I don’t think any team in the East should have three players in the game, especially when Phoenix and Dallas only have two.

What do you think?

WEST STARTERS

G: Steve Nash
G: Kobe Bryant
F: Kevin Garnett
F: Carlos Boozer
C: Dirk Nowitzki

Bench: Allen Iverson, Deron Williams, Mike Miller, Josh Howard, Tim Duncan, Shawn Marion, Elton Brand

EAST STARTERS

G: Gilbert Arenas
G: Jason Kidd
F: Caron Butler
F: Dwight Howard
C: Emeka Okafor

Bench: Dwayne Wade, Rip Hamilton, Jermaine O’Neal, Luol Deng, Eddy Curry, Andre Iguodala, LeBron James

Fish in a Bread Basket

The 2004 draft doesn't get the press the '03 Lebron/Darko/Melo/Bosh/Wade draft does but it certainly has yielded some intriguing possibilities. A comparison:

2003: Following the five above...
6. Chris Kaman
7. Kirk Hinrich
8. T.J. Ford (Bucks)
11. Mickael Pietrus
14. Luke Ridnour
18. David West
28. Leandro Barbosa (Spurs - traded to Suns for '05 pick)
29. Josh Howard
47. Mo Williams (Jazz)
51. Kyle Korver

2004:
1. Dwight Howard
2. Emeka Okafor
3. Ben Gordon
4. Shaun Livingston
5. Devin Harris
6. Josh Childress
7. Luol Deng
9. Andre Iguodala
11. Andris Biedrins
13. Sebastian Telfair (Blazers)
15. Al Jefferson
17. Josh Smith
18. J.R. Smith (Hornets)
19. Dorell Wright
20. Jameer Nelson (Nuggets - traded to Magic)
24. Delonte West
25. Tony Allen
26. Kevin Martin

Which draft is better? At this point, you'd unquestionably have to say '03. But in time '04 may turn out to have been just as good. With Deng, Iguodala, Biedrins, Jefferson, the Smiths, and Kmart it may at least prove to be extraordinarily deep. Without Chris Kaman, however, it's nowhere near as sexy...

New Seckbach Video

A new video from Elie Seckbach features Elton Brand, Antonio Daniels, and Gilbert Arenas. Funny stuff.

Zirin's Choice

I usually welcome the sports writing of Dave Zirin. He’s a frequent contributor to Z-Magazine, a regular commentator at his own site, and a provocative writer on the politics of sports.

However, I find his most recent post on David Stern a little disconcerting. There has been a flurry of activity on NBA and sports blogs this season about Stern’s tyrannical appetite for power. Along with Zirin, most of the opposition to Stern disagree with his decisions regarding the dress code, the new ball, and the minimum age requirements for the draft. All seem suspicious of the excessive control wielded by the Commish; like Zirin, they call him “paternalistic,” “racist,” and “profiteering.”

What bothers me about this critique of Stern is not the protest or charge itself. In large part, I agree with those writers who speak out against the policies introduced by Stern. I’m troubled, though, by the metaphors used by Zirin (and a few others) to characterize Stern the man—the Jewish man. I sense an underlying current of anti-semitism animating the rhetoric and symbolism of Zirin’s language. Here’s how his article begins:

“Anyone seen David Stern recently? Is there proof that the man they call "Money" isn't growing out his fingernails, freezing his urine, and trading in his wingtips for tissue boxes? All I want this holiday season is an assurance that the Commish doesn't think he's nine feet tall, green, and running Whoville. But indications are that the slogan for this NBA season is ‘How the Stern Stole Christmas.’”

Is this not some kind of malevolent Jewish caricature? How the Stern Stole Christmas? Why draw on tropes of the anti-Christian troglodyte to evoke Stern? Is the issue his person or his policies? And even if the former, why bring in religion, the devil, and Christmas to make the case?

I understand perfectly the rhetorical importance of concrete imagery. Arguments can be clarified and made more effective by adding the flourish of a well-stroked metaphor. That said, metaphors rely on particular modes of thought for their kick, and Zirin’s depends on the uncomfortable association of Jews and savagery. The same association lit the fires that burned our books and forced Sophie to choose between children.

Later in the same article, Zirin compares Stern to a certain historical figure: “Not since Josef Stalin insisted that the girls of the USSR wear pigtails under penalty of imprisonment, have we seen a leader stride so confidently off the deep end without any fear of reprisal.” Is this ethical and responsible journalism? Stern not only steals Christmas but also carts away kulaks? Stern is like Stalin for making professionals wear suits to work?

Who’s the one in deep, Dave?

UPDATE: Zirin was gracious enough to send me an email response to my post. In the interest of full disclosure, I thought I should post it here. Thanks for the email, fella. Come to think of it, I think I helped hoist the chair at your bar mitzvah:

Dude. I'm Jewish. But personal religious history that dates back damn near 6,000 years aside, let me respond to some of your observations:

"Money" is a longtime nickname of respect for Stern by NBA players and agents, given to him at the heights of his powers: not an anti-semitic slur (it's actually a nickname he shares with Michael Jordan... who isn't Jewish.). Also, the "growing the hair out" is an obvious Howard Hughes reference. Hughes: not jewish. And the Whoville joke was a reference to the Grinch, a character created by Dr. Seuss. Seuss was Jewish. The Grinch was not.. As for the Stalin line: it was a joke. A poor joke? Sure. Feel free to say so. Your kulaks reponse even brought a smile to my face. But I didn't suffer through ten years of Hebrew school, to be called anti-semitic.

Rasheed Wallace on the Block?

Here's an update on a possible trade brewing in the Association. Check it out.

Wire Hanger!

It's funny to imagine the questions Delonte West might have been responding to in this clip.

The Intellectual Masturbation of John Hollinger

I noticed on espn.com that John Hollinger has a new way to evaluate the best teams in the Association. He calls his system the NBA Power Rankings and believes it adds accuracy to how we differentiate between the best and the worst in our league. I’ve always thought Hollinger seemed out-to-lunch with his NBA reporting, but this latest work proves just how long he’s been gone—not to mention how many manhattans he must have sipped with his meal.

Hollinger believes he has devised a way to calculate such imprecise categories as a team’s strength of schedule and recent performance history. Weighing these numbers alongside teams’ victory margins, Hollinger brews a statistical concoction that places the Toronto Raptors ahead of Detroit, Utah, and the Wizards. His rankings have Chicago in front of Cleveland, Orlando on top of Washington, and the Clippers besting Golden State—despite that these front-runners are actually lower in their respective divisions.

To make matters worse, he has San Antonio five spots ahead of the Lakers and the Hawks (in last overall) fifteen down from the Wolves. Check last night’s box scores, John, and use your rankings to line the litter.

The main problem is that Hollinger lacks any feel for the game; he doesn’t understand the subtle benefits of an experienced team, the nuances of leadership, the drag of fatigue or injuries. For him, everything in the NBA needs an algorithm, has a stat or a number attached. Hollinger knows basketball like Hugh Hefner understands beauty: both guys quantify categories that aren’t precisely numerical and then exaggerate the results. Blown-up bra-sizes correlate with beauty like algorithms make for smart hoops writing. Some things just don’t compute.

Hollinger’s top 15:

1) Phoenix

2) Dallas

3) San Antonio

4) Houston

5) Chicago

6) Orlando

7) Cleveland

8) Los Angeles Lakers

9) Toronto

10) Utah

11) Detroit

12) New Jersey

13) Washington

14) Indiana

15) Minnesota

Something tells me Hollinger hates basketball. Nothing else explains why he so refuses the reality of his job.

A Video Message

Because it's still funny...

In the Spirit of Giving

Following a lead from the Edge of Sports, I did some research on the political contributions of the NBA’s famous faces. Can’t say it will blow your mind, but it’s definitely worth the read. Among these very tall men, the most common denominator is that they’ve supported Bill Bradley’s political aspirations over the years. Shockingly, nobody on the list gave to Nader in 2000 or Kucinich in ‘04.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: The sky-hooking historian gave $1000 to Bradley’s campaign for presidency in 2000.

Red Auerbach: Red broke the bank with $250 to a Massachusetts Democrat running for Congress in 1992.

Charles Barkley: D-Wade’s commercial father offered $2000 to the presidential campaign of John Edwards in ’04.

Larry Brown: The former everything donated a cool grand to Bradley’s 2000 drive.

Jerry Buss: Dr. Buss has given a lot—too many in fact to list here. Since 1978, Buss has sent out $23,550 in campaign contributions. Of those monies, $20,750 have gone to Republican campaigns and G.O.P. special interest groups, including a grand to Bob Dole in ’96 and his sexually-frustrated spouse in 2000.

Mark Cuban: The owner’s fan doled out a grand to Republican Orrin Hatch’s senatorial run in 1996. The same year, however, Cuban gave $5000 to the special interest Campaign for America’s Future. Don’t know nothing about the group, but their website reads: “America's Future insists that the question of falling wages and rising insecurity be placed at the center of our national debate. We challenge those who suggest that nothing can be done and expose the conservative agenda that has made things worse. America's Future works to revitalize a progressive agenda, and fights to make this economy work for working people once again. We engage citizens, activists and political leaders in a renewed debate about the kind of country—and the kind of world—we want to build for the generations yet to come.”

Vlade Divac: The former smoker and Laker great donated $10,000 to the DNC in 2000. Good for you, Vlade.

Clyde Drexler: Here’s a surprising one. The Glide gave $2000 to W’s reelection campaign! I suppose Clyde really cares about the world’s underprivileged populations.

Dr. J: Since 1986, Erving has given small contributions to Democrats running for the House in the states of New York, Pennsylvania, and Maryland. Inexplicably, Julius also donated $300 to Republican Arlen Specter’s 1990 run for Senate in Pennsylvania.

Coach Jackson: The Barnes & Noble Buddhist has donated $4455 to the various campaigns of Bill Bradley since 1978. He also gave a thousand bucks to a House Democrat in Washington state in 2000.

Michael Jordan: Wouldn’t it be great if the NBA’s most recent bachelor started doing wind sprints on the beach with Matthew McConaughey? Or began sipping cocktails with Clooney all over the world? What if he was like, “Fuck Derek Jeter! What’s Biel’s number?” Wouldn’t it also be great if Jordan gave $10,000 to Barack Obama’s campaign? Well, he did in 2004.

George Karl: Carlo Rossi gave $2000 to the presidential campaign of John Edwards. He also donated $2000 to a republican in Wisconsin in 2004. In 1996, Karl once ate 12 Big-Macs in under a minute.

Bobby Knight: $2000 to W. in 2004. No surprise there.

Karl Malone: This redneck donated a total of $8000 to Bush’s 2004 campaign. He gave an additional $4000 to the RNC. In 2006, Malone offered $5000 to a political action committee called The Commonwealth Group, a terrorist organization dedicated to the Republican Party and revisionist Holocaust history. In 2008, Malone plans to stop giving money and to start looking into more efficient ways to spread global hate.

Al Michaels: Not really a hoops guy, but it’s worth knowing he gave two grand to Bush and Cheney in ’04. He plans on going to hell when he dies.

Zo: Take a guess. Wrong. Try again. Incorrect. $25,000 to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee in 2004. Are those wings I see sprouting from your rippled back, Mr. Mourning?

Gregg Popovich: I was sort of surprised here. I had him pegged for a red-state man. $2000 to John Edwards in ’04.

Pat Riley: Mr. Corleone donated $2000 to a Democratic senatorial campaign in 2004. Later that year, Riley gave $2754 to the hilariously-named special interest group, America Coming Together. In addition to financing synchronized pornography, the group raised money to beat W. in 2004.

Jalen Rose: John Edwards received $2000 from Rose in 2004.

Byron Scott: He anted a grand for Bradley’s 2000 presidential run.

David Stern: The Commish has donated a remarkable $835,800 to political campaigns since 1978. 98% of that money has gone to Democrats, including $10,500 to Harold Ford in ’06, $1500 to Pelosi in ’04, and $2000 to Russ Feingold the same year.