- Can I tell you a secret? Show me someone who doesn’t like hearing secrets, and I’ll show you a liar. Secrets might be the reason people get married. They are certainly one reason we get divorced. Hearing another person’s secret helps us feel more human, more in touch with the closet mysteries of others. If nothing else, secrets help us feel superior to other humans. At the cutting edge of someone else’s secret is a competition you can’t lose. Consequently, the answer is always “yes, tell me.”
- Do you want to go upstairs? No brainer. Wishing you had said “no” is infinitely better than regretting you didn’t answer “yes” – unless, of course, the person asking is Shawn Kemp and you want “upstairs” to include child support.
- Can I buy you a drink? Tough call on this one. I’ve heard reasons why “no” is a possibility. You might be too pickled to stomach another; too married to accept cocktails from strangers; too loyal to drink with your best friend’s sister (read: too boring, not loyal). But that’s not really what’s at stake with this question. Someone is offering to give you something, and though there may be strings attached, they’re only fastened with Velcro. Just say yes.
- Did you think you were going the speed limit? Other derivations of this question include, “How fast did you think you were going?” and “Do you know the speed limit in this area?” It makes no difference. The answer is either “yes” or “the speed limit.” Why would you respond otherwise? Nothing is gained by answering “no, I thought I was speeding.”
- Do I know you? If you’re answering “no” to this question, you lack imagination. And even if you lack imagination, just memorize a few possible responses to the question. You might try, “It depends. Do you watch much porn?” How about, “No, but I know your wife” (add an elbow jab to accent “know”). Or, “Dad, I think it’s time for your pill.”
Yours,
TJ
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